Stages of Grief: Understanding What You Feel and When to Ask for Help

Knowing the stages of grief can help you put a name to what you are going through. In this guide, we explain what they are, why they don’t always come in order, what grief can be like when you are far from your family and when it is a good idea to seek support from a psychologist.

What is grief?

Grief is the natural reaction to losing someone or something important to you. According to MedlinePlus, from the U.S. National Library of Medicine, grief can follow the death of a loved one, but also a serious illness or the end of an important relationship. Everyone experiences it differently, and it is a healthy response that deserves support.

What are the 5 stages of grief?

The five stages of grief model was described by psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in 1969, based on her work with people facing the end of their lives. Over time, it came to be used to describe what we go through after any major loss. MedlinePlus describes the stages like this:

1. Denial

It is hard to believe what happened. You may feel numb, as if you are in a dream, or expect the person to call or walk through the door again. Denial works like a pause that gives your mind time to take in something too big.

2. Anger

You may feel rage at life, at God, at doctors, at other people or even at the person who died. Sometimes the anger is directed at yourself. It is a normal emotion in grief, even if it surprises you or makes you feel guilty.

3. Bargaining

The “what ifs” and “if onlys” appear. You may think about what you could have done differently or make promises to change what happened. This stage often comes with guilt.

4. Sadness

The reality of the loss hits with full force. There may be frequent crying, tiredness, trouble sleeping, lack of motivation or a wish to isolate. This sadness is part of grief, although it can sometimes turn into depression.

5. Acceptance

Acceptance doesn’t mean forgetting or no longer missing the person. It means beginning to reorganize your life around the loss, finding new ways to remember the person and gradually returning to your activities.

The stages of grief don’t always happen in order

One of the most important ideas is that grief isn’t a staircase. According to MedlinePlus, the stages may not happen in order, may overlap and not everyone goes through all of them. You may feel acceptance one day and anger the next. An anniversary, a song or a special date can bring back emotions you thought you had moved past. That doesn’t mean you are going backward.

How long does grief last?

There is no set timeline for grief. Its duration and intensity vary from person to person, and emotions may change over time. For many people, the pain never disappears completely, but over time it becomes easier to carry and leaves room for other things.

Comparing yourself to others or giving yourself a deadline to “be okay” usually adds pressure. Your grief has its own pace.

Common reactions during grief

• Emotional: sadness, anger, guilt, anxiety, loneliness, relief (especially after a long illness) or a sense of emptiness.
• Physical: tiredness, trouble sleeping, changes in appetite, headaches or tension in the body.
• Mental: difficulty concentrating, forgetfulness, constantly thinking about the person.
• Day to day: less desire to see other people, lower productivity at work or difficulty with everyday tasks.

Grieving from a distance: when you couldn’t be there

For many people who live far from their home country, grief carries an extra weight. Sometimes it isn’t possible to travel to say goodbye, be with your family or attend the funeral. You may learn about the loss through a phone call or a message, and live with the pain far from the people who share it with you.

This distance can make grief feel incomplete or “unfinished”. It is also common to feel guilty for not being there, or to accumulate losses over the years without having been able to grieve any of them with your family. Some things that can help:

• Taking part in the farewell from a distance, by video call or with your own ceremony.
• Creating a personal ritual: lighting a candle, cooking the person’s favorite meal or writing them a letter.
• Talking with your family, even if they are far away, about how you all feel.
• Seeking support from your community where you live.

Grief can also come from other losses related to migrating, such as leaving behind your country, your language or your way of life. If this sounds familiar, you may want to read about migration grief.

How to take care of yourself while grieving

• Allow yourself to feel. You don’t have to be strong all the time.
• Take care of the basics. Try to eat, sleep and move with some regularity.
• Lean on others. Family, friends, your faith community or a support group can be there for you.
• Be careful with alcohol. It may feel like relief, but it usually makes grief harder.
• Remember the person in your own way. Talking about them, looking at photos or keeping traditions alive can help you feel close to them.

When to seek help from a psychologist

Most people don’t need treatment to go through grief. But talking to a psychologist or therapist can help at any point, and there is no minimum amount of time you have to wait before asking for support. Consider seeking help if:

• You feel you can’t manage your pain.
• The sadness is so intense it keeps you from working, caring for your family or doing your usual activities.
• You are drinking too much alcohol or using drugs to cope.
• You feel disconnected from life or feel that nothing makes sense anymore.
• Guilt or anger won’t leave you alone.
• You are grieving alone, far from your family, with no one to talk to.
• You have thoughts of hurting yourself. If so, call or text 988 right away.

What is prolonged grief?

For some people, the pain doesn’t ease over time and continues to seriously affect their daily life. The American Psychiatric Association recognizes this as prolonged grief disorder. Its symptoms include intense emotional pain, feeling that part of you has died, difficulty getting back to life, feeling that life is meaningless and deep loneliness. It is estimated to affect between 4% and 15% of bereaved adults.

To diagnose it, professionals consider how much time has passed since the loss. But you don’t need a diagnosis to ask for help: if your grief is weighing on you, that is reason enough.

How therapy can help with grief

A psychologist or therapist gives you a safe space to talk about the person you lost, what you feel and what was left unsaid. In therapy you can work through guilt, anger or sadness, find ways to remember the person and gradually reconnect with your life. The American Psychiatric Association notes that cognitive behavioral therapy and related approaches, such as prolonged grief therapy, are supported by research.

Talking about grief in your own language, with someone who understands your traditions and the way your family says goodbye to loved ones, can make a big difference.